"I was Illuminati": A Confession

The following is from the diary of a former Illuminati member who will remain anonymous. Errors in grammar and spelling have been left to maintain authenticity. The names have been censored to protect the author's identity

"I'm writing this for the non believers out there, those people who don't believe in secret orders and whatnot. Guess what, they're real. For 10 years I was in one, I was Illuminati.

I wish I could give you all the details of the order and a list of names of those who control, but to be honest, I can't. The order functions in a very secretive way. I only knew the name of my immediate elder and a couple of other members. They were (names censored). As far as I could tell, my elder reported to the next level and probably didn't know much except for one or two people there. I think they did this to prevent dissenters from releasing a tell all like what I'm doing here.

For the most part, my work for the Illuminati wasn't too exciting. Originally, I was a financial planner and I spent a lot of time making investments on behalf of my elder. It was definitely insider trading. Somehow the guy knew exactly when certain stocks would spike and then crash. If I didn't know that he was a bigger part of the organization, I'd had sworn he was psychic. When Facebook went public, I asked him if he wanted to buy shares in it, and he said that the "order" had other plans for that company. That's how he always referred to it, as the "order."

Getting into the Illuminati was probably the dumbest and most difficult thing I have ever done. I was recruited when I was a student at (name censored) University by Professor (name censored). It sounded exciting at first and we didn't know that we were being drafted into a real secret order. There were a few social gatherings which led to a few trips. At first it seemed like a great networking opportunity. There were reps from all over the corporate world. Goldman Sachs, Chase, Bank of America, Apple, IBM, Google, even Lehman Brothers was in on it at the time. The list of names could go on endlessly. I remember meeting Dick Fuld at one of these events. I don't know what happened at Lehman but somehow they were chosen to be the sacrificial lamb for whatever phase that got started in 2008.

So after a few months of doing brief internships and other odd jobs for the order, I was asked to take an oath of loyalty. They made it seem like it was just for fun, almost sophmorish in some aspects. I felt like it was a frat rush. We went to an old house near campus and a couple of the guys donned black robes. We were brought forth stark naked before them and forced to kneel. They then produced a book with the Eye of Providence on the cover and we had to place our hands on it while kissing the rings of the guys in the black robes. We were then anointed with some kind of water or other liquid before having black robes placed upon us. We were then part of the order.

I honestly thought that the whole thing would end after college and we would go our separate ways like all frat guys do after graduation. That wasn't the case. In fact, we actually became more deeply involved. The guys in the black robes turned out to be people with amazing connections. A couple of the guys I was inducted with ended up at the White House during the Bush years, another got a cushy embassy posting in France, and I got a six figure job at (name censored). Pretty much everyone got something super lucrative.

Once I was working, things went pretty normally. I bought a house, went to shows and sporting events, and hung out with friends. A normal life for the most part. Once a year, those of us in our "cell" as I'll call it got together and performed a ceremony from the order. During the first one, I just thought it was old friends having a good time until my elder told me to expect a call from (name censored) and that I was going to get an account to oversee. I was to ask no questions and take all of my orders regarding the management of that account from the elder. The next day the call came and my elder met me for lunch and gave me my instructions. I told him this was all nuts before we compared stats on our fantasy football teams. He said not to worry and that it was all prearranged. Over the next few months I saw that account blossom from a couple of a hundred thousand dollars to the tens of millions. That was when I realized that I was not part of some college secret society but something much bigger.

My elder and I got on great until the winter of 2013. He told me that I was ready to go to the next tier, that those of us who had come in together were all ready and that "fresh blood" would takeover our roles. At first I was psyched. The promises made were so lavish and incredible. One of the guys in my cohort was going to be elected to Congress while the other was going to be appointed CEO of a new startup that will become a Fortune 500 after 6 years. I also got something pretty good, an appointment as a senior executive with (name censored). We just had to go through another ceremony to be inducted to the next tier.

Knowing that this was for real and not some joke frat group, I was terrified especially because of the occult traits of the ceremonies. This one was scary as hell and strangely the most exhilarating. We were brought to a mansion. My elder took us blindfolded. No technology could come either. Once there we were sent to a room and instructed to take off our clothes and place masks over our faces. Then we were led to a massive hall and there were at least a hundred other naked people. For the next 6 hours we engaged in orgiastic sex. I can't describe how it all felt. At first it was really strange. I had never had sex with a man before but after having sex with several men and then several women that night I began to feel more and more homosexual. When I had sex with my elder, it was a powerfully emotional experience. The last act involved me and the other guys in my cell having our own orgy with the elder. That was the most exhilarating encounter and ever since that night I have identified as a homosexual.

I left the order three weeks later. I think my experience during that induction ceremony did something to me. I don't want to be gay yet I can't seem to go back to being straight. I've tried to date some women since then, even had sex with a few of them. It doesn't help me overcome the feelings. My elder wouldn't accept my resignation. He pretty much said that there is no leaving but he understood that I needed a break. If he finds out about my tell all, I'll be truly saddened. Before that night, he was a friend but now I think I'm in love with him. I don't want to go back yet I do and I probably will. But until then I want to tell people that I was Illuminati, they're real and they control everything."

Special thanks to our sources in the Boston metropolitan area for providing us with this account.